A Few Hits Off the Ideabong
Tracy asks: I just started dating this guy and I’m really attracted to him, but he says he doesn’t perform oral sex ever. He says it’s ‘too subservient,’ and he doesn’t like the taste. He definitely likes to receive it, and I kind of like to give it, but I feel torn. Is this normal? Or is this guy a jerk?
Ideabong says: what is normal in this situation depends on what you are used to. If it was normal for you to be with guys who don’t like dining at the Y, then his attitude is normal, but if that was the case, you wouldn’t be writing the Ideabong, so clearly, for you this is not normal. Is the problem for this guy really the taste? If he hasn’t sampled the offerings, then how can he know? Since the rejection is not something that you are accustomed to, then I would assume that what you are serving is closer to sweet nectar than essence of rancid sea critter. So, maybe it is because he really feels like he is subservient when your thighs are blocking his hearing… which might be reasonable if he didn’t expect your “subservience”. If oral sex has become the theatre of a power struggle within your relationship then you have a major decision to make, do you want to be controlled or be in control? My advice is to grab that SOB by the ears and put him to work.
Tyrone V asks: Am I crazy, or are they all out to get me?
Ideabong says: Both. You will require a tin foil hat and a lightsaber to get along in this world. Good luck.
Dizzy in Love asks: I’ve been going out with this girl for 2 months, and the connection has, in my mind, been amazingly mind blowing. I have never felt this even in the long term relationships I’ve been in. Two days ago, I was telling her goodbye, and told her I love her. I didn’t plan it, it just came out. I got silence. She finally told me that she has never told anyone that she loved them. Did I just screw up?
Ideabong says: Ouch, I’d have to say that, indeed, you have screwed up. It may be too late to salvage your style, but let’s go through the motions anyway. First, I’d like to consult the indispensible Oscar Wilde, who says : “He who loves the more is lost”. What he is saying is that 
rarely, if ever, are two people equally in love, and that the person who is more in love, will suffer from it. The reason is this, in our culture, love, in the romantic sense, is an act of acquisition. Love seeks to possess its object. The person who loves the more, has more to lose, and the love becomes insecure. The pain associated with it becomes more intense until the other sees nothing but a desperate clinging barnacle with no style. You need to change the plan, and I can help with that, but first, let’s discuss your method of delivering the love message. You did not choose an intimate moment, perhaps during the post-coital bliss, whereby, it might have been appropriate to reveal one’s feeling of love for the first time. Instead, you chose the cowardly sneak attack. It is appropriate within the context of a committed relationship in which a mutual love has been established to say “I love you” before hanging up the phone. What you did was kind of like a combination between a hit and run, and a fishing expedition. It shows desperation, and believe me, she noticed that. I won’t bother telling you to save yourself by doing the old cut and run, because you won’t do it, so I will explain how to save the sinking ship. It’s a long shot, but just maybe you can pull it off. You will need to go way out of your way to demonstrate that you could take it or leave it. Bail on plans with no notice, and afterward, send flowers, but be careful not to apologize or explain. Don’t bring them, send them. There is a big difference that I don’t have time to explain, so just take my word for it. Stop planning your weekends around her, let her know when you have no other plans, and leave the scheduling issues to her. If she makes time, you have hope, if she doesn’t, you can be absolutely certain that the writing is on the wall. And, last but not least, if the previous steps have not resulted in her casting you off, on nights that you have no plans with her, try the ole late night booty call. If you need to tell her what you’ve been up to, say something like the golf game went really late, which cannot explain why you are calling at 2 AM and how you spent your evening. It creates mystery, which is important. If the booty call works, and you have established a mystery about your activities, and she is scheduling around your availability, then you have regained the upper hand. The only drawback to this plan is that it does not lay the foundation for a loving and respectful relationship; you already blew that with the premature “I love you”.
