Ideabong speaketh…
G.H. asks: My boyfriend told me that he thinks he is becoming more mature because before he used to want a good looking girlfriend but now that is not so important to him. Personality is more important for him now.
Ideabong says: you just got insulted. The fact that you are bringing this to my attention, and looking for direction probably means that you haven’t already straightened him out properly. Go find that guy right now and slap the taste right out of his mouth. Any dude that doesn’t think the stars have fallen from the skies and are currently shining through your eyes is not good enough for you. You are beautiful and you know it.
Goingcrazy asks: I have recently moved into a new townhouse. It is lovely except for my next door neighbours, a couple of lawyers, who are savvy about staying within the letter of the law while completely pissing me off. They drive their motorcycles off their patios, filling our homes with exhaust and noise, and leave on bright floodlights for nights on end, which lights up my window and is annoying. The other neighbours seem to have adjusted, but I seem to be the neighbour most affected by their behaviours. Is there anything I can do? I’m about ready to lose my mind; it just isn’t fair.
Ideabong says: First thing to remember is that these aren’t really bad neighbours, not in the nightmare sense at least. They seem to be rude and inconsiderate at worst. Just be thankful that you don’t have Ideabong as a neighbour, because I could totally ruin your mental state and may do so for fun if you seem to be so easily annoyed that it annoys me. However, I bet that’s not what you want to hear, so, if you’ve tried, but just can’t live with their peculiarities, and you have brought these issues to their attention, and they treat you as insignificant,… it is time to go to war.
The Ideabong strategy for going to war against neighbours is a 3 part plan.
1) Befriend them… to the point of being the overly friendly neighbour that always seems to be at their front door with an idea of something really lame to do… like scrabble. By doing this you create cover for
the cruel shit you are about to do to them.
2) Defend yourself. Learn to like the lights at night, the sound of their bikes, and the smell of their exhaust. Being impervious to their attacks is the first half of becoming victorious.
3) Attack their minds. Being in a townhouse means you have a common wall. This means a superior stereo system is your best weapon, one with a nice big sub-woofer. Then, catch them in a conversation in the front yard sometime… and invite them over for a prayer session with you and your significant other. Tell them that you are Pentecostals and sometimes Jesus takes hold of you and you suddenly start speaking in tongues. Tell them how fun it is to have Jesus inside you, and do so with a crazy look on your face so they will believe you are Pentecostals. They will not attend, which is fine, because you don’t want to actually go through the charade of being touched by Jesus. When they refuse your gracious invitation, let them know they are welcome to join you at any time that they hear you praying – they will look surprised when you tell them that they will actually hear you praying, but won’t say shit. Tell them to knock loud because you have a hard time hearing the door when you are speaking in tongues. Your next step is to record someone speaking in tongues. Then, put your sub right up against the wall. Now that you are ready, just play the audio of someone speaking in tongues whenever you leave the house… just loud enough that you know they will hear it a bit. It is subtle and can’t really get you in trouble, but it will drive them bananas.
It won’t be long before they approach you about it… then you can be all surprised about how intolerant they are when you tolerate their motorcycles and flood lights. If you can’t negotiate this scenario into a peaceful coexistence, then get back to me, it will be time to step it up. They won’t like the second phase of the operation… in fact, there will be a for sale sign on their lawn within days if you need to go to phase two.
